Transformational sex comes first from knowing thyself intimately and then cultivating desire.
What do you desire in the bedroom?
What kind of touch do you enjoy?
What really turns you on and off?
Where do you like to be touched?
Are you into energy or kink?
Do you even know the answers to any of these things?
Do you feel like you actually even care?
We become what we practice daily and what we practice daily becomes hardwired into our bodies to become the norm.
Its like going to the gym, we curl our biceps repetitively so they become bigger and stronger. We now notice them, feel them and are connected to them. Desire is like the bicep, it needs to be worked daily to help it expand and create awareness around what we do and don't like.
Embodiment or somatic practices are key places to start when getting curious about your own desire, arousal, sensuality and anatomy.
If you or your partner don't know where the G-SPOT is for instance, how will you ever get the best possible orgasmic pleasure from the GODDESS SPOT? Perhaps you may fumble around for a few months or years and eventually figure it out, but imagine you already knew and could guide your partner to it. Now wouldn't that be magic and even help your partner feel more confident. You know, less guess, work more on target pleasure!
So the point here is get to know yourself so intimately and make an agreement with yourself to commit to awakening your own sexuality on a daily basis if you want to have better sex with your lover.
Embodiment practices create awareness and... yes you are sure to come up against much resistance! If you can push through this resistance the juice on the other side will be well worth it - think falling in love with yourself, body acceptance, expanded desire, better orgasms, new pleasure zones, more confidence, better communication, more sex with your lover - just to name a few.
I wanted to briefly share a few key ideas on how you can awaken yourself to more pleasure and desire each day because... we are wired for this!
Body Scans / Meditation
Dropping into complete presence with whats moving in your body is key. Bring your attention to your breath firstly. I encourage you to then start breathing into the pelvic triangle and your sex organs. Add some light movement such as rocking the pelvis to increase blood flow and support keeping the energy and focus in the base/sacral (sex centre). Notice the sensations in your base and genitals, bring your mind back to the breath if thoughts drop in. Continue to breath the genitals alive for 4-5 minutes and then relax your breathing and notice whats going on in your entire body. There is no goal in this practice apart from being curious and staying present. Overtime this is a powerful tool that can unleash orgasmic pleasure and definitely expand desire.
Daily Self Pleasure
Schedule time for daily pleasure that could be sexual or non sexual. This may look like so many things, here are some ideas:
- Mindful yoga on the earth, focusing on the sensations of elements on your skin as you do your practice
- Mindful mastabation with or without the goal of orgasm
- Self massage, body brushing or body mapping
- Setting up ritual space for prayer, meditation or singing
- Erotic dancing for yourself in the mirror
- Sexy date night just for you
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Rub and touch your own body more frequently. Rewire your body for more pleasure by touching it more frequently.
Tantra
There are many tantric practices that support intimacy and also the building or a new type of slower and energetic desire. The SLOW BOIL. One of my favourites is sitting together in YAB YUM position (face to face with your legs wrapped around each other). This position represents the polarities of masculine and feminine energy coming together in sacred union. Simply sit and breathe as you gaze into each others eyes receptively. You can learn some of the many tantric breathing techniques to do together in this position or simply synchronise your breath and connect for 5 minutes in silence remaining soft and open.
Schedule Intimacy
Make time to prioritise your sexual intimacy and expression. Feeding your relationship in this way keeps it attended to despite the distractions and/or excuses we can easily make. Nothing CUMS from doing nothing.
During these moments try new things and new ways of being sexual or in pleasure states with each other. Think about role playing, taking turns of giving and receiving with no intension of intercourse, try making love without chasing the orgasm but focus on connection/breath/energy, practice communication. Anything that may come up during these intimate and emotive experiences are all things that offer us the opportunity to heal, expand, understand each other better and find more joy in our lives.
There are often many underlying reasons why your desire may be diminishing. Perhaps its a lack of working the desire muscle, lack of connection to yourself or your partner, busy schedules, hormonal concerns, past trauma and hurt etc… but if you truly want more joy, pleasure and connection in your life awakening your desire is definitely worth the effort.
If you are curious to learn more about your own arousal, anatomy and desire feel free to book in for a sexological bodywork session.
DM any questions. ~ W
Image: Jamie Humphris